I stopped wearing makeup during my second semester of college. I also stopped straightening my hair and cut back on my drinking, not that I ever heavily drank. My reason for cutting back on the drinking was that I didn’t want to rely on alcohol to have a good time. I wanted to be learn how to be comfortable in social situations on my own. The makeup/hair thing was for a similar reason—I wanted to be comfortable in my skin without getting dressed up. At first it was hard and then it was natural. For a long time I didn’t wear makeup and the only two times I remember straightening my hair in the past couple years are the failed attempt in Prague when I burnt off a chunk of it and a couple months ago, as an experiment. All it did this last time was make me realize I needed a haircut. Which made me realize I needed to adopt kittens, which made me realize that I really didn’t need to adopt the kittens.

I started wearing makeup again not too long ago, because I love makeup and also because duh-it makes me look better. But after about a month or so of wearing it almost everyday, I started to feel myself changing. I’ve started caring more about my clothes, about my shoes, about my walk. I’ve started thinking more about how I look in general, and I mean constantly thinking about how I look. I’ve started noticing more how other people look, noticing attractive guys on the street, inviting attention to myself. It’s a subtle thing, and even though Brittany keeps commenting on my outfits, I doubt anyone would notice a change in my character, but the makeup has somehow seeped into my brain and changed my priorities around.

I stopped wearing makeup because I didn’t want makeup to be what made me beautiful. I wanted to develop my own beauty and my own charisma and I wanted to have to work harder for attention. I’m not saying that people are staring at me left and right or that people are always trying to talk to me when I put in a little effort, but I was surprised at an instance last summer when I put on makeup and dressed up just a tiny bit (to reach the norm of everyone else in the city), how much more attention I got from people on the street. It was astonishing. I couldn’t look that different than I normally did but for some reason it was as though I was a different person. I didn’t like it so I avoided the makeup and the cuter outfits for another year.

But this morning when I was getting ready for school, after I had told myself to stop wearing makeup again, I looked in the mirror and thought, no I really should put some eyeliner on. Some mascara would really make me look a lot better. And it does, obviously.

I guess my biggest problem is, I don’t want strangers to think I’m pretty. What business do they have finding beauty in someone they’ve never spoken to? What business do I have wanting them to find beauty in me? Of course, some people are lucky enough to find beauty in everything, strangers included, but in that case makeup makes no difference. I just want to be a kind person and generous and to have integrity and I want to say something interesting once in awhile and I’d really like to make someone laugh.

Also, people always say ‘it’s what’s on the inside that counts’ but really it’s how it manifests itself on the outside. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT

I just want people to think I’m cool so they’ll hang out with me and it won’t be quiet.

p.s. music helps a little